Not Nearly Normal

I was once told that I was two standard deviations from the norm, though I didn't know what it meant at the time. Now I do.  In layman's terms, I am not normal.  Wrapping my mind around this idea has happened in stages.

A normal distribution of data means that most of the examples in a set of data are close to the "average," while relatively few examples tend to one extreme or the other.   Robert Niles

First, I'm left handed, that's not typical though it may still be normal-of a sort. Then, I was a three dimensional thinker, not normal, but better, in a specific way.  That means I can see the back of something in my ind's eye that I only see the front of...weird, but cool was how I labeled that.  After a while, and in a completely different mindset, I realized that I was not normal at all, as the eighth of fifteen children, I had a very unique view and experience with the world. Then, I realized that not one person in my family was normal, by virtue of our family construction and dynamics, we never were and we never would be.

As time passes, and my life took shape, I had many insights into this non-normal condition.  At times, I craved normalcy with a passionate hunger, though it remained elusive.  Other factors emerged, my life experiences, inside and outside of my family. My medical history, which has actually been included in medical books.  The more I sought normalcy, the more aware I became of my lack of it.

Trying to quantify and value myself, I searched for other words to describe myself, something with a more positive connotation...then, I took statistics and learned what two standard deviations  meant and I laughed, because it was spot on and I liked the sound of it...not a devieant, but two standard deviations...I'll take it.  I might even enjoy it, if it wasn't so freaking weird.

More Than Different

It has taken me a very long time to accept that some of the people I love are so very differnt than I am.  Still, I suppose we have it easy. If this was the Civil War we'd be in opposing armies, pointing weapons at each other. As it is these days, we are in different political parties, we enjoy different things.

It could honestly be said that we don't like each other very much, if at all.  That was the insight for me, loving people that I don't like.  It gets me thinking though...what do I really know about them? What do they know about me?

Real love continues over time and distance, but we change.  We become what we wanted to be, or not.  We find God in a meaningful way, we lose our simple definitions about who we are and what the purpose of life is. Our bodies impact our activities, we stop drinking or we still party like teenagers, these things change us in definable ways.
How do we know we still love them in view of all this overwhelming and sometimes argumentative circumstances?  Well, I'd still give them a kidney, lend them money and that's more love than some people have for their current spouses.

If I Had Only Known

So many of my early decisions were made by default.  Unable to get enough perspective, and always so desperate,  I lived my life like a pinball, just trying not to go down the tube.  I did have goals and dreams, but living them-well, that I didn't do so well.  Still, I lived an absolutely amazing life!

 The people I met, stars and presidents, musicians, and all kinds of hard working folks who called me a friend.  If I had known then what I know now, I would have kept in touch with very many of these people, who brought my life such richness. Know I still love you, even if it takes a minute for me to recall your name...sometimes it takes me a minute to recall my own :)

If I had only known, I would have stopped holding myself back.  That will surprise the people who thought I already was quite out there-at times, I was, I certainly was. What I mean, is doubting myself, my value, my worth and what I had to contribute. Maybe, that's wisdom talking? I realized it later, but it is the point of everything.

On the Verge of Winter

It's hard to believe it will be snowing inside of a month, but I know it will.  Hard to believe because this autumn has been so beautiful, as was the summer before it.  I've spent all of this time alone, or mostly alone. No trips, no visitors, just me...healing a little at a time and letting things lay down inside me.  It was time that I needed, and peace.

It's hard to explain the value and virtue of solitude to someone from a large family.  I doubt that I ever needed it as desperately as I needed it these past months. Time to cobble myself together, time to realize that my life is my choice and although my choices impact people, even people that I love, it is my choice to make.  This hasn't been easy for me, I have always taken care of others, but even that is falling away. I am finally learning to take care of myself. I am a novice, but I am also a good student. I will learn. I will grow.

Beginning a New Chapter

It's been a while, to be sure.  I needed the break, mostly to process all the changes that came so swiftly in the past couple of years that I just stacked them, one upon another, to inspect later.  It's best not to let your life gang up on you, I guess I made it under the wire.

I haven't quite decided whether to fill in the blanks or just carry on...for simplicity sake, I'll fill in as I go. For today, I'm just happy I could remember my password.